


Payment

by HyperKid



Series: I Am Only Here To Hurt You [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Beau is best big sister, Caleb fleeing his body as hard and as fast as he can, Dissociation, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Trigger warning: mentions of past sexual trauma, Warning: Caleb Widogast levels of angst, Whump, confused Yussah, cuddle your damn wizards, everyone wants to kill Trent, hurt/how the fuck does comfort, socially awkward wizards unite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 18:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18036869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Caleb and Yussah have very different ideas about what it means to earn magic. If Yussah ever finds out who gave Caleb his, things will get messy.





	Payment

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I feel like I start a lot of these defending myself? For what I’m about to post?  
> Mollymauk: You definitely do. Time to accept you’re indefensible.  
> HK: It really is I can’t explain this one.  
> Mollymauk: You’re just a terrible human being.  
> HK: It’s true. But it got stuck in my head so I’ll stick it in yours.  
> Mollymauk: That’s really all you need to say for any of these.  
> HK: But also: Yussah and Dairon on an adventuring party back in the day.  
> Mollymauk: ... Okay, that’s also acceptable. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Caleb Widogast. Aka angst, trauma, dissociation, dire need of snugs 
> 
> Disclaimer: I still own nothing but LARNDRAWS IS PUTTING ALL THEIR NEIN CHIBIS IN A GROUP SHOT ON REDBUBBLE SO I SEE A SWEATER IN MY FUTURE https://www.redbubble.com/people/larndraws?ref=artist_title_name

Caleb knows what it means when a mage tells him he must earn something. Just the word from Yussah’s mouth sends shivers crawling up and down his spine. Options flick through his mind, his gaze darting all around the plush sitting room for hints. Ways to prepare himself. 

 

What will it be? They’re all supposed to walk out of here, Yussah is busy and he has said they will all walk out of here. It can’t be something too time consuming; not this time, at least. 

 

He doesn’t want to think about what it will mean in future yet. It makes him feel an awful hypocrite, so soon after telling Fjord to compromise himself with Avantika. 

 

But he’s not backing out, he tells himself. He will do whatever is needed for the group. For himself. If he can be... useful enough, Yussah may keep him. May not give him back to Trent. 

 

It’s a motivating thought, and when Yussah beckons for Caleb to follow him it’s the thought that pushes Caleb forward. 

 

Whatever he wants, be good. Be good enough to keep. 

 

The room he’s lead to confuses Caleb for a moment; it’s empty but for a circle on the floor. His first thought is that it’s a test. That he has to work out what it is to prove his worth. But it’s just a teleportation circle. 

 

He looks to Yussah, wondering what he’s thinking. The wizard is watching him, waiting. He can’t just be waiting for Caleb to learn the circle. 

 

Caleb stares at it, his mind a thousand miles away and spinning. There’s no other spell components here. Nothing dangerous or strange for him to test. 

 

So he must want the other thing. 

 

It feels like cold lead slurping through his veins, the realization deadening every nerve. It wouldn’t be the first time. It wouldn’t be the last time. He nods that he’s memorized the symbol, fading through the fog to be ready for the next bit. 

 

It’s like his body is a puppet now, something he can distantly control but can’t feel. The lights dim and he stumbles a little, but he knows his cue. Knows where the other wizard stood. 

 

As an elf, he’d still be able to see. He must want Caleb vulnerable. 

 

So Caleb angles his body to show it, head tipped submissively and eyes closed as he turns, not towards the door but towards him. He couldn’t see anything anyway. One hand outstretched, he steps forward, a slightly surprised sound coming from Yussah when his fingers brush cloth. 

 

Obviously he’s not meant to touch. 

 

Sinking to his knees, Caleb leans in, tilting his head back to face the other wizard, hands behind his back. And if the nails of one hand are digging into his wrist, the pain is just a dim buzz. A haze to keep himself from thinking. 

 

He can handle cold and impersonal. Probably better than he would accept anything else. It would keep him from thinking of those down below, of remembering all the good times with Fjord, or Caduceus. Or Molly. Just the thought hurts and he shies away almost physically. No, impersonal is best. No distractions. 

 

In the back of his mind there’s a vague irritation that Yussah is taking so long, drawing it out. He wants to be gone, to be used so he can finish this quickly and leave the tower and go back to the Lavish Chateau, go home and scrub his skin raw and crawl under the bed and pretend he was never there. Maybe let himself fall into Jester’s arms for a while, lose himself in her light and merriment. Maybe go to Fjord and get back on his knees and wash away this memory with another cock, with someone he actually cares for using his mouth. 

 

He just wants it to be over. 

 

Yussah doesn’t move for a long minute, hardly even breathing in the silent room. Then slowly, hesitantly, his hand finds Caleb’s hair. Caleb was trained well; he doesn’t flinch, despite loathing the touch. 

 

“What are you doing, Caleb Widogast?” The elf’s voice is different than he’d heard it before, almost painfully soft and unsure with a dark undercurrent of rage. It’s harder this time not to move away, panic flaring in Caleb’s chest. Angry. What did he do? He knows he’s good, knows all the different positions to show his obedience, knows how to earn what he wants. 

 

“Please,” he whispers into the darkness, shaking everywhere except where nails dig into skin, “let’s get this over with.” 

 

And suddenly he can feel the magic in the room, not just a background buzz but heavy and thunderstorm thick, crackling the air in his lungs. He ducks his head at once, forcing himself to lean into the touch. 

 

“I’m sorry! Don’t take it out on them!” 

 

And just like that, the air clears. The magic fades, whatever spell Yussah called dissipating away. The hand in his hair begins to move, the beginning of a caress before it stills and pulls away. Caleb doesn’t know what to do now, isn’t sure what he wants or what will bring that anger back, so he does nothing. It’s easier to do nothing. 

 

It takes Yussah a moment to find his voice. 

 

“I... will not hurt you or your friends. You have not... displeased me, Caleb,” he says slowly, the words stilted like he’s trying to find the right ones that will unknot the man before him. Unable to trust him, Caleb remains tense. Almost as an afterthought, light rises in the room and he has to blink. 

 

Yussah looks more shaken than Caleb has ever seen him, even after failing to identify the dodecahedron. There’s tense lines of anger still around his eyes, but controlled, now. He holds out a hand, stops, and takes a step back, gesturing for Caleb to rise. It’s a relief not to be touched. 

 

Caleb obeys, a mix of confusion and panic yanking him from the safe place and back into his skin. Yussah’s expression is still unsettled, but softening at the corners. 

 

“I will not ever ask you for what you have offered me, Caleb Widogast. You need not believe me now, but I give you my word. You will be safe here, in my tower, for as long as you and your group make no move to harm me.” He’s watching Caleb far too closely, searching for something, but Caleb is too busy reeling to wonder what. 

 

He feels like the floor has been tugged from under him, a steady constant yanked away to leave him tumbling. Yussah’s reaction makes no sense, there must be some price to pay. This is a door into his home, he can’t just be giving it away. 

 

The Happy Fun Ball doesn’t even occur to him as a price; the wizards he knew (Trent) only took payment in flesh. Scars prickle beneath the bandages on his arms and it costs Caleb a lot of effort not to scratch them. He’d prefer anything else to more of that. 

 

Silence stretches between them, crawling through the room like a massive serpent, holding them in place. Yussah breaks it, shaking his head and gesturing towards the door. 

 

“Return to your friends, Caleb. They’ll be worrying.” There’s a hint of steel there, just a faint press of “they had better be”. 

 

Caleb makes his way back down the steps in silence, unable to process anything. All he knows is that he’s leaving, they’re all leaving, all in one piece and whole and healthy, and it’s so much more than he’d feared. 

 

Relief makes him lightheaded, almost giddy as he steps back into the sitting room and sees them. All talking and laughing, munching on magic cookies like they’d never known a spell in their lives. Jester and Nott are on him like excited puppies as soon as they see him, eager to know what happened and what he’s learned. 

 

It feels so much better than he could have imagined not to have to lie to them. 

 

** 

 

Yussah keeps his attention on Caleb all the way down, though not with his eyes. Something about the man struck him before, though as nothing more than idle observation. He still can’t be sure, but he’s seen beneath at least one layer. 

 

The man isn’t shy. 

 

He’s fucking terrified. 

 

And has apparently been given extremely good reasons to be. Yussah’s jaw twinges, a clench of fury sweeping through him, but he masters it with the ease of his age. Showing anger will not help. 

 

Nothing he can do will help. 

 

He watches the others when they return, the way they bounce up, sweetness and light and none of the dark, complex layers he’d expect if one of them had trained the human. There’s no possessive touch, no suspicion, nothing that points to any one of them. 

 

Perhaps Caleb is away from the ones who broke him. Yussah is a little surprised to find he hopes so. He’s not used to caring about the lives of humans, always so short. It’s unfamiliar, but there’s a touch of destiny to this group. 

 

A touch of familiarity, nostalgia for his own days of travel and adventure. 

 

That makes up his mind and he catches the monk’s eye with his, drawing her away for a moment as her companions ready to leave. For the first time in a long time, he isn’t sure what to say. Hasn’t been since Caleb knelt in the darkness. 

 

Bluntness seems to be the monk’s MO. 

 

“Someone has done terrible things to your friend,” he says softly, a subtle spell keeping the others from hearing. She tenses instantly, every muscle taught and for a heartbeat Yussah expects her to punch him. 

 

Good. 

 

She knows. 

 

She’s still glaring at him so Yussah lowers his voice a little more. 

 

“Watch him. Do you care for him?” 

 

The look he gets for that is pure disgust, and oddly it puts him more at ease. He draws in a breath, hesitates. Wonders what the hell he could actually say. Wonders how much he’s planning to invest in this mob of misfits and trouble seekers. 

 

Remembers how many like them he’s seen fall. 

 

He shakes his head quickly, closing himself off. Maybe, if they can survive. If they can keep this deal. If they can prove they’re not just going to die like so many before them. 

 

It costs so much to care. He can’t do it for free. 

 

“Just... take care of him. He will need... a lot.” Something like understanding flickers in the monk’s eyes and she nods brusquely, hurrying to join her friends at the door. They haven’t noticed her absence, not even Caleb. 

 

Yussah watches them go, his mind and heart in turmoil between concern, fury, fear. Knows he needs to pull back his indifference for the day’s work. 

 

He makes himself turn back up the stairs when the door closes, redirecting his attention to his scheduled meetings. 

 

Let them go. If they live to come back, they can handle that then. 

 

And if he ever gets the name of the wizard responsible for what happened to Caleb Widogast... well. Yussah didn’t start in an ivory tower, apart from the world. 

 

Sometimes it’s good to go back to one’s god killing roots. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Doesn’t it just twist the knife in that argument Caleb and Beau had about Yussah if the last thing Beau remembers is him getting all squishy and protective of Caleb? You’re welcome.


End file.
